I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
