Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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