My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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