Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
