I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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