If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
