I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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