you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
