Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
