I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
