I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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