it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
