im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
