Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
