my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
