There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
