I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
