Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Randomize
