i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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