why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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