I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
