I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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