I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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