theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
