I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
