The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize