my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
