Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
