U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
