I wish I could punch you in the face.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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