I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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