you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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