wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
