I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
