can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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