i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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