oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
my shit smells like andre
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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