im drinking this country out of the recession.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
