I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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