he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
