my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
