I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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