im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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