Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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