hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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