It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
