she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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