She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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