I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
