Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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