you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
