3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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