I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
