There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
