I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
