I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
