Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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