There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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