I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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