yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
