I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
