Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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