If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
